Failing to Defend My Mom

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Kiss of the solar for pardon. Tune of the birds for mirth. You’re nearer to God’s coronary heart in a backyard than anywhere else on earth. ~ Dorothy Frances Gurney

A reader writes: I've seen your web website and located it so fascinating. I misplaced my lovely mom in 2020 having nursed her at house for ten years. She was wheelchair certain and had dementia however we had a beautiful life collectively. Sadly I spent alot of time throughout these years defending her from Social Providers and Persevering with Healthcare who had been at all times attempting to take her away and put her in a house because the care was cheaper in a nursing house than in her own residence and I needed to have assist from different carers. I used to be her full-time carer and was on the go all day and lots of nights at instances. I liked caring for her however the limitless battle with Social Providers left me drained and frightened we'd be parted. Social Providers tried the whole lot they may to interrupt me down however I had my religion and like to maintain me going.

I've spent a lot of my life defending my mom from individuals who have been fairly nasty and at the same time as a baby I discovered myself defending her from nasty individuals as a result of I liked her a lot and he or she was such an exquisite and type woman, pure of coronary heart and humorous however simply gave the impression to be surrounded by unkind individuals. I additionally spent a few years defending her from the medical occupation who simply appeared to wreck her relatively than assist her so I used to be at all times looking for the appropriate physician or guide who knew what they had been doing and it is a good factor I did.

I needed to take my mom away from [a local hospital] as a result of had I not taken her from there eleven years in the past she would have died. She was being left to die due to her age and no person might be bothered to assist her, so I sneaked her out with out Social Providers realizing. So, you see, I've many incidents of horrible trauma concerned in defending my mom.

Now she rests in a stunning cemetery however sadly I've had a lot of hassle with the house owners of the burial floor - they're monied individuals and assume they will maintain altering the principles on what household of the bereaved can plant on the graves. I've created an exquisite little backyard for my mom with all of the permitted vegetation however they're inflicting me quite a lot of misery about this and threatening to destroy her little backyard. They even eliminated a stunning little pure Christmas ornament from my mom's grave with out telling me.

This backyard is the one factor I've left I can do for her so it means alot to me. Since my mom died and specifically since this hassle on the burial floor I've discovered myself each night time worrying and having horrible vivid goals of my mom. Most of those try to guard her and maintain her secure and I concern going to mattress at night time as a result of I do know I'll solely have one other vivid dream about defending her and I'm afraid of going to mattress.

I actually need assistance as I'm so drained and since I imagine in God and heaven I do not perceive why I ought to immediately doubt her happiness - I do know she is with God and is pleased - I actually really feel this however through the night time it is as if she is attempting to inform me she is struggling and this distresses me terribly.

My response: I am so sorry to study of the loss of life of your mom, and I provide my heartfelt condolences to you in your loss. Sadly there's nothing I can say that may change how the house owners of your mom's burial floor select to function their property, and I am sorry about that, too.

You ask how one can cease dreaming like this, and I invite you to learn the next:

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief and Coping with Dreams in Grief 

I don't know anything about your spiritual or religious beliefs about life after death, but as I'm sure you know, while it's true that your mother's physical remains still lie buried in that place, your mother's spirit (or her soul, or whatever you want to call her living essence) left her body when she died ~ and in that sense her spirit now resides with you ~ in your heart and in your memories of her, because she is a part of you and you are a part of her, right down to your very DNA. Death ended your mother's life, but not the relationship you have with her, and certainly not the love you still have for her.

It seems to me that, given your desire to provide and maintain a lovely little garden at your mother's gravesite, you might consider finding another plot of ground, perhaps in a corner of your own yard, where you have total ownership and control of that space, and where you can plant and nurture your own memorial garden in your mother's honor. If that's not possible, you can set aside a corner of a room in your home or even just a shelf on which you can place mementos of your mom, a photograph, flowers or a potted plant, and a candle or two. This could also become your special place where you can go to immerse yourself in thoughts and memories of your mother so you can "be" with her in spirit and in your mind.

Might you consider doing something like this ~ for your mom, but most especially for yourself?

Your story reminds me of this lovely poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

Wishing you comfort, peace and healing ♥

Afterword: Thank you Marty for such lovely thoughts and words. The poem is lovely and this I deeply appreciate. God Bless.

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Picture by Jerzy Górecki from Pixabay
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH

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